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Excerpt from our Staff Handbook

October 22, 2009

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned.  As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.  We hired you intact.  To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.  The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, May 1, May 31 Aug 31, Dec. 25 & Dec 26 plus Good Friday and Easter Monday – If you must.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.  For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.  If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.  In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.  Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.  In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure.  Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $600 Prada sneakers and carrying a $1,000 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.  Have a nice week.

(Although the above has been around forever, it still warrants a quick read and a chuckle!!)

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